Broken and numb

Been a very long and trying week. Not to mention the tiredness. Right now, it's like 3.53am according to my pc's clock. I should be in bed, but yet, I'm sitting at my com typing this out. Another night of "I-can't-sleep" syndrome that seems to be rampaging in my system at the moment. Not to mention wreaking havoc on my bio clock, and my sleeping and eating habits. I need an outlet to rant a bit, a sounding board of sorts, but not sure how anyone would take this, especially those who do read my blog often and are concerned about me. Thanks, to those who are.

Been feeling numb all week. Nothing much seems to matter. Don't ask me for the reason, please. Want to apologise to those who had to put up with my unexpected out of character for the last few days. Personally, feel like I'm walled up behind something. Not sure how or why, a natural response I guess. Those who know me from my past shouldn't feel that, well, unfamiliar with this. Sigh, I really hate this part of myself. My sinking into a persona that is totally not me for a period of time. That and my emotions. I really hate my emotions at times. A blessing and a curse. How I wished I have better control over them, and how they would not wreak my life. Really feel that I should just let go of my emotions, and not feel anything. But that would make me into someone I would totally hate, someone who's completely opposite of the person most people would know. Someone who would be uncaring about the things around him, an emotionless wanderer, and that's not the person I want to be at all. Love and care, is something the Lord wants us to share in abundance, after all. Sigh, I need a way out of this, before I totally lose it and permanently stay in this state. The numbness I mean. Currently the only way for me. But I can't stay this way for long, I just might not survive. Already I feel the toll in my life. My responsibilities weren't really handled the way they should be handled. Time seems to drag too long at times, and pass by in a flash in others. My eating habits become next to zero. Not that I've not been eating; just that I've not been eating as often or as much as I should. Circumstances and schedule contribute to that as well. Looks like I'll be breaking my word to someone, sigh, and I hate it when I do something like this. Especially this...

Did entertain the thought of just ending it all, that somehow the Lord will carry me away, but I guess it's not the way to be. Or that I should just leave and isolate myself for a couple of years in a place where I can rebuild my life then return after I've done so. Neither choice seem to appeal to me at all. How to get myself back on my feet again? A question I've been asking myself as well for the last few days. Something's in me that seems to be preventing me from doing so, and I really can't determine exactly what it is. Believe me, I WANT to get back to normal again. But this numbness is stronger than I thought. Stronger than all the other past experiences in my life, when I felt it. Someone get a sledge hammer and break down this wall or cocoon that's wrapped around me. Reading God's Word helped. But I can't seem to really embrace Him when I badly needed to. Even though I can sense His presence around me... God, help me. Heal my utterly broken heart, and help me forget the sorrows and the hurts. Help me to pick up the pieces again and walk in the path that You've set for me. Help me to forgive, and to love again, Lord. And I'm sorry, forgive me...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12