Passion and Purity

Ok, first wrote this out as a sort of diary entry just less than 24 hours ago (4.30am), when I couldn't sleep and decided to do some reading and writing. Feels good to express my thoughts on paper, instead of typing them out like this; maybe cos I like to write in my own brand of cursive :p

Anyway, just couldn't sleep a wink after tossing and turning in bed for a while. Handphone beside me on my bed showed that only 15 minutes had passed since I decided to turn in, so I decided to get up and finish the last few chapters of Passion and Purity. It's an excellent book, and I've only come to understand why it's a powerful book as I finished it, with a sudden realisation. I guess it's the Spirit of God in me teaching me something, if I opened my eyes to see. After a quick supper of instant noodles, I decided to put thoughts to pen, and pen to paper. I didn't want to fire up my laptop to type this in here, knowing I'll only waste time doing other stuff as well, and my thoughts would be more scattered. It's been a while since I really put my thoughts onto paper, with me being online a lot and writing into my blog directly, and doing other things. Like what I told Joyce earlier online as we chatted for a bit, I need to gather my thoughts and write again. Somehow I feel the more I write, the less stressed I feel (I'm talking about writing personal stuff, not academics here :p). Of course, prayer helps. Been trying to get back into a lifestyle of prayer, after the events of recent times. It's such a dark period, and I do not wish to head back there again.

Back to Passion and Purity, it re-accounts the struggles of Jim and Elisabeth Elliot before they got married. And how, through their love for God and for each other, honored themselves for each other until their wedding night. In an age where pre-marital sex can be said to be common, and where divorces are as well (especially in the US, and increasingly frightening, here as well), it seems so out of place. I must confess to have thoughts somewhat along this line as well, in the last few dark weeks, when I needed a reprieve from all the chaos that seem to be happening in my life. My emotional thoughts were in haywire, and thoughts of my ex-girlfriends (and previous heart breaks) surfacing at times didn't help at all. It's only by God's Grace that I've somehow managed to hold myself together in purity and walk down the path He's set for me, once more.

Before I continue further, for those who are not aware, I have made the decision to remain single until I graduate, at least. For one, I need to build up my emotional resilience, as it's somewhat lacking in many areas. Also, I can't afford another heart break now, knowing I'll only crumple and be depressed, and may possibly never recover this academic year. I'm still behind in my projects, not to mention my own revision. I guess I should throw aside club stuff and other commitments and focus on doing the things I really ought to focus on. How I wish I can clone myself at times, so that I can tackle the different things I undertake. Then again, I'm only human, after all. I can only do so much.

Anyway, my current schedule is quite punishing enough, without having to think of what to plan for dates. Believe me, I would love to enjoy the company of a likeable Christian sister, but I must say it's a bit impossible for me for now, at least. Not to say it won't happen in the future after I graduate. This resolve of mine stays, and I can only trust God to show me the one whom I'll marry in the future, if His Will is for me to get married. The heart is deceitful above all, and I must learn to tame my own heart, and to guard it, with God's help.

For me right now, I can only pray and commit it to God for His guidance in future. It's to God now that I must focus, and all other things after.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20