Pieces

A hammer and chisel
Put to the door
Beyond it a treasure
Never like before
Pieces of my heart
Broken and scattered
Laid in the open
Tears in the rain
Into the blue
They fly
Waiting to be sewn
Back like before
A complete whole

Then You are there again
Molding me with Your hands
A shape and form anew
Changing my heart forevermore
Being more like You
Everyday in my life
- © Jonathan Chia 25th August 2006

Must admit, it's not written in one sitting. Took about a week and a half to come out with it. Couldn't really find the time to write, much less read what I want to read for this period. So it just remained in my mind, waiting for a chance to be put to paper. Somehow, I think the 2nd stanza don't seem to fit overall. Well, don't really wish to correct it, just leave it as it is. Kinda inspired by Pieces, an actual song by L'arc-en-ciel. Grew to like it after I borrowed Grand Cross Conclusion from Jim a couple of years back. The live version is certainly better than the studio one. Waiting to be able to get the dvd. Won't be cheap as it's not available locally, only the vcd (which I already have). I'm a sucker for quality.

Been a busy week. Sean's new tech guy declined the job at the last minute. So I was in a flurry to search for a new guy, at least to stand in when sean's gone on his trip, and managed to find one. Thank God for that. He wished I could be onboard full time, but it's not possible at the moment. Still have my studies to consider. Jokingly asked him to hire me as his PA, which somehow, he said he'll consider. Hmm. The foundation's getting laid, brick by brick. Just got a message from Sean earlier in the evening telling me of the first sale for the company from the home side, from Sennett area. Nice. First of many to come, I hope. Hope the work I've put in won't be in vain.

"He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:6-8

Broken and numb

Been a very long and trying week. Not to mention the tiredness. Right now, it's like 3.53am according to my pc's clock. I should be in bed, but yet, I'm sitting at my com typing this out. Another night of "I-can't-sleep" syndrome that seems to be rampaging in my system at the moment. Not to mention wreaking havoc on my bio clock, and my sleeping and eating habits. I need an outlet to rant a bit, a sounding board of sorts, but not sure how anyone would take this, especially those who do read my blog often and are concerned about me. Thanks, to those who are.

Been feeling numb all week. Nothing much seems to matter. Don't ask me for the reason, please. Want to apologise to those who had to put up with my unexpected out of character for the last few days. Personally, feel like I'm walled up behind something. Not sure how or why, a natural response I guess. Those who know me from my past shouldn't feel that, well, unfamiliar with this. Sigh, I really hate this part of myself. My sinking into a persona that is totally not me for a period of time. That and my emotions. I really hate my emotions at times. A blessing and a curse. How I wished I have better control over them, and how they would not wreak my life. Really feel that I should just let go of my emotions, and not feel anything. But that would make me into someone I would totally hate, someone who's completely opposite of the person most people would know. Someone who would be uncaring about the things around him, an emotionless wanderer, and that's not the person I want to be at all. Love and care, is something the Lord wants us to share in abundance, after all. Sigh, I need a way out of this, before I totally lose it and permanently stay in this state. The numbness I mean. Currently the only way for me. But I can't stay this way for long, I just might not survive. Already I feel the toll in my life. My responsibilities weren't really handled the way they should be handled. Time seems to drag too long at times, and pass by in a flash in others. My eating habits become next to zero. Not that I've not been eating; just that I've not been eating as often or as much as I should. Circumstances and schedule contribute to that as well. Looks like I'll be breaking my word to someone, sigh, and I hate it when I do something like this. Especially this...

Did entertain the thought of just ending it all, that somehow the Lord will carry me away, but I guess it's not the way to be. Or that I should just leave and isolate myself for a couple of years in a place where I can rebuild my life then return after I've done so. Neither choice seem to appeal to me at all. How to get myself back on my feet again? A question I've been asking myself as well for the last few days. Something's in me that seems to be preventing me from doing so, and I really can't determine exactly what it is. Believe me, I WANT to get back to normal again. But this numbness is stronger than I thought. Stronger than all the other past experiences in my life, when I felt it. Someone get a sledge hammer and break down this wall or cocoon that's wrapped around me. Reading God's Word helped. But I can't seem to really embrace Him when I badly needed to. Even though I can sense His presence around me... God, help me. Heal my utterly broken heart, and help me forget the sorrows and the hurts. Help me to pick up the pieces again and walk in the path that You've set for me. Help me to forgive, and to love again, Lord. And I'm sorry, forgive me...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Stillness, Where I Am

A long road ahead, I start
Alone with my thoughts
I walk to bury my dreams
Another step, a moment's gone
Time slows with each breath

Seeking to end this
The cycle of hurt
Where my heart sits
And longs not to dwell
A beat goes pulsing by

Memories of before shared
Frozen in the eye of mind
Treasured above all I beared
Time, I need to mine
Before all it can go

Stillness, where I am
Sunk to my knees
A tear escapes its eyes
And a prayer on my lips
Strength and peace, I desire
My heart's comfort, I wish

What joy will there be
Hold not I the future
Only faith, enclasped within
That leads and lights
A road that I take
And a journey that's great

Trust and patience, I need
A guide, mayest I seek
Strong in heart, in mind
A shepherd to lead this sheep
- 11/08/2006, © Jonathan Chia 2006

Just needed an outlet to express some inner thoughts, hence my writing of this. Something I felt earlier, which I hope it won't linger too long. Else things around me might just slide downhill. Guess it will be on my mind for a while, at least. Can't afford to dwell too much on this, for my own sake, as well as for the sake of the others who depend on me for the things I need to do. Do feel a bit better now, after writing this. Only with time, and God's guidance, can things be revealed.

"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth" John 14:16-17

Happy Birthday, Singapore

Hmm went to watch the parade at the Esplanade earlier in the evening, will post up the shots in a bit. Initial plans were to stay home at watch it on tv, but decided to chance it watching the fireworks live in the bay area. Boy, was I disappointed. Zip, zero, nada. No trace of fireworks at all that can be seen at the Marina Bay area. All were at the National Stadium area tonight. So for those who stay in the east, well, it would seem like you've got a treat ü Love fireworks. Just did not manage to enjoy them much in the last few of years, due to reasons that I can't seem to remember. The last couple of days rekindled my liking for them. Ok here's the shots

Shot of street performance at Esplanade

Managed to get him to pose for me ü

Crowd in front of the screen

Somebody's sleepy

Red Lions (little black dots) free falling off the chinook

Trying to shoot for the moon (orange glow in lower left middle of shot)

Nice full moon tonight

Kinda like this shot

My shot of the day

Seems like my blog will be overrun by photos for this entry. A bit lazy to upload to my gallery (not to mention my gallery's running a bit low on space). These shots above aren't everything that I took in the evening, there's more. Not to mention those from watching the fireworks. Some of which turned out to be blurred. Result of shaky hands. I need a tripod. AND a better camera. Any kind sponsors for a Nikon D50 or D70s? *hint hint* :p I like to take shots of scenary, particularly sunsets and the full moon, which are hard/almost impossible to take properly with my current camera. The last shot above is really nice, imo. Kinda rare that such a scene would present itself. Was only by chance that I was walking along the Esplanade bridge (walking around cos someone called me), from Boat Quay. And I was wondering why was I walking towards One Fullerton, after I already crossed over. Hmm, happens when I'm on the phone, I can walk around aimlessly for a bit, especially when I'm concentrating more on talking to the other party than on walking. Bit of a habit of mine, it would seem. Not that it's bad. Guess I'll have to be more careful when I do so ü

Start of the fireworks display

Theme was Singapore, hence lots of reds

Nice, eh?

Place was jam packed

Shots from the fireworks display on tuesday. Managed to get there and watch, though the crowd was much larger than I expected. I was already sweating when I saw the crowd at City Hall's station control at 6+ when I was passing through. I was like, oh no. And the fireworks started at 9! Goes to show that singaporeans are really kiasu. Oh well, all in all, it's not too bad ü Hope to be able to watch on friday again, if time permits. But will have to see.

Oh yeah, for all you romantic movie lovers, go watch Lakehouse! It's nice. Already picked up the books that were mentioned in the movie (Persuasion/Crime and Punishment), and intend to delve into them soon. Currently juggling some 4-5 books at the moment (the main reason why my bag's always like stuffed). The books are classics, something I've not really read for some time now, since my secondary school days I think. Literature for me for the last few years were comics/manga/Christian/computer books, hardly any novels, not to mention good ones/classics. To say that my bookshelf is running low on space is a bit of an understatement. My books are in piles all over my room, and my mum's been complaining about the amount of stuff in my room for ages now. Especially when there's stuff (guitars/books/files) on my bedroom floor and she has trouble mopping. Wonder what she'll say if I tell her I wanna get a new guitar/dry box for future dlsr camera. Think she might just flip. Maybe it's time to do another tidy up and get rid of the stuff that I don't really need. Which might not be a lot at the moment. Err, come to my bedroom and you'll see for yourself :p

"For he said to man, 'The fear of the Lord - that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.' " Job 28:28

Psalm 61

Finally got the Miracle Service dvd from 2 weeks that I ordered only last week. Couldn't manage to just purchase it from the counter; needs to be ordered. Ordered mainly for one song that Pastor and Pacer sang together (and got stuck in my mind for 2 weeks). Testimony's not too bad as well, about a guy who got imprisoned for wayward ways and is now training to be a pastor in a Bible College. God's certainly wonderful ü

Hear my prayer O Lord
From the ends of the earth I cry
Your peace will lead me to
The Rock that is higher than I

For You have been my strength
In times of trouble
A tower above my enemies
And Lord I will abide with You forever
In the shelter of Your wings

I cried when I heard this song being played over my com, and subsequently when I ripped it out into a mp3 last night. Felt touched in a really special way. Certainly have not been touched in this way by God for a while now. Did feel it earlier in the day when I was backstage in church doing sound and Pastor Henry was conducting Communion. Felt the peace that somewhat eluded me for a while now, a pure sense of peace, and somehow I feel that everything in my life will be alright. Psalm 51:17 comes to mind, that God desires a sacrifice of a broken spirit. Can't really say that my spirit is broken at the moment. But I had my lows over the last few weeks. You know what I mean? Guess you do ü But I'm more or less ok now. Want to let God take over and lead me, especially to the peace that He has promised. Just feel like surrendering everything to Him right now, and just be still in His presence that's here with me at this moment as I blog this. With this song, and How Could I Live playing from my speakers, I felt touched by His presence. Just feel like being still for a good portion of the night and pray and give thanks and worship Him. Despite my current weary state, feel this is something I have to do now. So I guess I'll end here

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" Psalm 51:17