Time

Time seems to be passing by far too quickly for my liking these days. It only seems like yesterday, the events of last week, and the events of the week before last, well, like the day before yesterday. Been trying to get myself into gear, with the study plan I thought up. It's semi-working at the moment, I guess. Club routines and affairs have been tying me down more often than not, nowadays. Really need Weihao back so I can pass some stuff to him to do. I need time off to work on my projects and revision. Performance again next week, this time in conjunction with the Stomp Aid campaign. Let's face it. I'm married to the club.. If I don't handle certain things, I know they will never be handled, given the schedules of the others... Also sets me thinking about how to handover the committee, the way things are going. Sometimes I wonder whether I made the right choice in keeping the club open and not choosing to close it down due to lack of commitment from people to serve as exco members. If I can't find people of the right calibre to hand over to, I might just have to do this. I'd prefer that there's at least one exco member in the next batch who can perform.. It IS a performing arts club, after all. The idea that not even one of the excos in a guitar club is of performance-level is kinda ridiculous, imho. Or is it me that is setting too high a standard? Sigh.. Will have to think things through again. Also train up a new batch of performers from the current people. There aren't that many I can count on at the moment, less than even a handful. And that number will fall further after this academic year. Really have to pray hard for more people to step up to the task and challenges.

Sometimes, I feel like Saul (Paul) of Tarsus, carrying out this work and "suffering", though I doubt that the work I do can ever compare to his. His work is for a nobler and much much more worthy cause. That's why I feel I still have to press on, though I may "suffer" now. I really want to give up at times, suffice to say. It's definitely not easy being the head of a club, with many demands placed on your shoulders and "arrows" flying at your face as if there's a bullseye painted there. What is God's plan for me in this? That's what I'll have to find out. And meanwhile, find my rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, 'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.' " Mark 6:31

New member of the family (again!)

Formally announcing the arrival of a new member in my "family". Born in the United States of America, and weighing 30lbs, my Taylor GSMS finally arrived last week. Went to Brendon's dorm (thanks bro) to pick it up, and I LOVE it. She/it is beautiful, with very nice flamed maple back and sides, and a wonderful sitka top. The gloss applied to the whole body is very nice and shiny :) But it's not all without a couple of issues though. One lesson learned is NEVER travel on a long distance trunk bus service with a guitar. The 156 I took to get home last tuesday after getting the Taylor was very cold, although it has a very nice interior concept (like a bar, complete with cream coloured bar stools and table). Got off the bus and found out that the case condensed like no tomorrow. So had to go wipe off the moisture when I got home. Then came the buzz, which I later found out was due to the rattle of the 2 AA sized batteries for the pickup :(

But thank God, after sending it for an FMI saddle upgrade by Jarvis, everything sounds wonderful now. Granted, I've not really seriously tried it out yet, as the only time I had to play was late at night, and I didn't want to disturb my parents or my neighbours with loud guitar playing at 2 or 3am. He fixed the high action, adjusted a buckle on the hard case that was slightly bent, dried my guitar, installed the FMI saddle, and gave it a through checkup. Simply great service for 95 bucks. Thanks bro, for the advice on how to take care of my guitar as well. Now I need to go get more baby socks and another pack of gel to dry up my guitar. It'd be best if I can get a dehumidifier, but there's no space in my room for now, and I'm almost all out of cash. Reminds me, will need to post up a proper review for him on G4C soon.

Just added a Facebook account last week as well, after being invited by both Jon and Wei Tsu, who managed to find me on msn messenger after I found her friendster account. In her own words, we are "kindred spirits", able to talk just about anything and everything, going by the past week or so on msn. In a way, she's like my twin, an ISFJ personality, with a number of common interests as well. Back to Facebook, it's much more fun and interactive than Friendster. And naturally more addictive, heh. And definitely more cool, with all the mini applications one can add to an account. So if you know me, and have a Facebook account, do add me yeah? :p

Now, am contemplating whether I should pop by the art cafe for tonight's open mic session. On one hand, it looks like a nice group is popping by tonight. On the other, I'm very groggy and tired, after sleeping only like 3 hours. Been playing my new baby after I logged off of msn, and lost track of time. Will need more discipline (and stock up more on coffee) to sleep earlier so I won't feel so restless (like now) in the day time. Then again, I'm not a morning person; have always been more nocturnal than anything else, since my poly days. Urgh. Choices, choices..

On an ending note, I HOPE to add more to this family of mine, well, maybe not in the near future. But more or less have identified a new "wife", and "she" ain't gonna be cheap. Thinking of a Mc, haha. But definitely after I start to work, and perhaps after I get a place of my own (when I get married). Else my mum will want to kill me again. Lack of space in my room now, heh. Anyone wanna buy a Maestro hard case with built-in hygrometer for dreadnought? Sms me asap :p

"And I saw that all labor and achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbour. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind." Ecclesiastes 4:4,6

Passion and Purity

Ok, first wrote this out as a sort of diary entry just less than 24 hours ago (4.30am), when I couldn't sleep and decided to do some reading and writing. Feels good to express my thoughts on paper, instead of typing them out like this; maybe cos I like to write in my own brand of cursive :p

Anyway, just couldn't sleep a wink after tossing and turning in bed for a while. Handphone beside me on my bed showed that only 15 minutes had passed since I decided to turn in, so I decided to get up and finish the last few chapters of Passion and Purity. It's an excellent book, and I've only come to understand why it's a powerful book as I finished it, with a sudden realisation. I guess it's the Spirit of God in me teaching me something, if I opened my eyes to see. After a quick supper of instant noodles, I decided to put thoughts to pen, and pen to paper. I didn't want to fire up my laptop to type this in here, knowing I'll only waste time doing other stuff as well, and my thoughts would be more scattered. It's been a while since I really put my thoughts onto paper, with me being online a lot and writing into my blog directly, and doing other things. Like what I told Joyce earlier online as we chatted for a bit, I need to gather my thoughts and write again. Somehow I feel the more I write, the less stressed I feel (I'm talking about writing personal stuff, not academics here :p). Of course, prayer helps. Been trying to get back into a lifestyle of prayer, after the events of recent times. It's such a dark period, and I do not wish to head back there again.

Back to Passion and Purity, it re-accounts the struggles of Jim and Elisabeth Elliot before they got married. And how, through their love for God and for each other, honored themselves for each other until their wedding night. In an age where pre-marital sex can be said to be common, and where divorces are as well (especially in the US, and increasingly frightening, here as well), it seems so out of place. I must confess to have thoughts somewhat along this line as well, in the last few dark weeks, when I needed a reprieve from all the chaos that seem to be happening in my life. My emotional thoughts were in haywire, and thoughts of my ex-girlfriends (and previous heart breaks) surfacing at times didn't help at all. It's only by God's Grace that I've somehow managed to hold myself together in purity and walk down the path He's set for me, once more.

Before I continue further, for those who are not aware, I have made the decision to remain single until I graduate, at least. For one, I need to build up my emotional resilience, as it's somewhat lacking in many areas. Also, I can't afford another heart break now, knowing I'll only crumple and be depressed, and may possibly never recover this academic year. I'm still behind in my projects, not to mention my own revision. I guess I should throw aside club stuff and other commitments and focus on doing the things I really ought to focus on. How I wish I can clone myself at times, so that I can tackle the different things I undertake. Then again, I'm only human, after all. I can only do so much.

Anyway, my current schedule is quite punishing enough, without having to think of what to plan for dates. Believe me, I would love to enjoy the company of a likeable Christian sister, but I must say it's a bit impossible for me for now, at least. Not to say it won't happen in the future after I graduate. This resolve of mine stays, and I can only trust God to show me the one whom I'll marry in the future, if His Will is for me to get married. The heart is deceitful above all, and I must learn to tame my own heart, and to guard it, with God's help.

For me right now, I can only pray and commit it to God for His guidance in future. It's to God now that I must focus, and all other things after.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Taylors

Finally decided to bite the bullet and get a new guitar. A bit over my budget, but when it comes, I'm sure it'll be worth it and something to cherish for a very long time. Managed to source for it through this christian brother I met on G4C.com. Nagging's gonna come, I guess, from my folks. But this is what I wish for, a sorta belated birthday present for myself (after the FFVII Advent Children Limited Edition's box set :p). Not to mention the most expensive birthday present I've gotten for myself so far. And probably will be for some time. I trust it'll arrive on our shores safely and nothing will go wrong.

On a side note, I've been feeling better with less of a tendancy to flare up. Maybe cos I've not been talking to my mum much and she has not been nagging. Probably cos I've been staying out late and there's not much of an avenue to communicate with her. I can't run away from talking to her, but for now, I guess it's a temporary measure while I cool down and reflect back, and get my emotions in check. Brings to mind what a sister-in-Christ shared with me over dinner last week. She also has issues with her mum at times, but she reminded me that we only have one set of parents, and we have to honor them. That and 1 Corinthians 13:5, "(Love) It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs." I confess, I'm guilty of most of the things stated in this verse. Now that I look back, what have I done to be a good son? Not a lot I guess. Will need to reflect more on this and see what can be done to correct this.

On a side note, need inspiration and wisdom to manage my projects, studies, and my commitments in church, cell, and guitar. Do keep me in prayer over these issues. Strength to endure through the things I have to do, and better discipline to sleep earlier at night. As most of you would know, I'm a night owl. Which is bad as I sleep at 3-4am on average.

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins." Psalm 25:16-18

Like A Doormat Blank

That's how I've been feeling for the past couple of days, especially tonight. Feel like I'm worthless and unappreciated in every group I'm involved in at the moment. Even cell... what am I to the people in those groups? It's times like these that makes me feel like quiting everything and leaving it all behind.

That's the original title and content that I was working on a couple of days back. Been a bit better since then (since the chat with Andy on tuesday night), and since my last post. Things have not really improved but I guess there's nothing much I can do short of totally stopping my guitar journey (aka I quit playing guitar TOTALLY and resign as my club's president) and destroying/throwing away all my guitars. My mum's still opposed to my plans to get a Taylor, after I first mentioned to her last month. And my mind goes like, she don't even play the instrument or music, what right she has to judge me? Her logic was that I won't be playing the guitar anymore after I graduate. So according to that, I should also stop playing for cell? I really don't know what to say to her anymore, or to my parents anymore. Pissed off is an understatement to me right now, even just thinking about it. After all these years, they never really bothered about what my interests are, or even ask what I do everyday. And frankly I can't be bothered anymore to explain myself or things, knowing it'll only result in a full blown arguement and cold war...

Ok, I will stop here. Before I give in to my anger again and be miserable for the next month or so. Sigh. Maybe things have not really improved since my last post here. Am still stressed bout how things are going. Trying to find a balance between trying to release my stress and my deadlines. So far it's not been working. My parents driving me up the wall aren't helping things either.

When will it ever end?

"Two things I ask of you, O LORD; do not refuse me before I die: Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God." Proverbs 30:7-9