Poetry Anthology?

It's been on my mind on and off for the past week or so, when I just thought of how to best use a very nice lime green notebook that I received for Christmas from Em. Initially I thought of using it to record the lyrics of songs I write. But now I'm thinking of using it as a background to collect every single piece of writing I've done over the years. It's quite a fair bit, I would say. And in a fair bit of a mess chronologically. Ever since I've stopped using angelfire as a gathering point for the poetry I write (mainly cos I suck at web design), lots of bits of paper were used instead, or in recent times, this blog of mine. Suffice to say, it's not gonna be easy to reference everything from a single point of view. Hence the need for an anthology for personal enjoyment and benefit. Not that I'm gonna get it published or anything, although it did run through my mind over the years. I just feel that I'm not too good as a poet, and demand for short poems, well, might not be there. Oh well, time for another week-long internal debate with myself :p

Yes, I know it's late. Or rather early in the day. Can't sleep. Been reading up on the Odex case again, where I came across the statements released to the media by the judge who presided over the Odex vs Pacific Internet case. Now it seems that Odex has brought in some heavyweight firepower in the form of representatives from 4 japanese studios, and the CEO of BayTsp is scheduled to fly in next week. It's a long saga, which I feel is overdrawn now. Odex just launched a video-on-demand service on their newly revamped website. Frankly, it's getting on my nerves. No anime fan is gonna support anything by Odex after what they did to their own customer base. Not to mention the anime scene here on this sunny island. I've picked up a couple of Odex titles or so over the years, back when I was pretty ignorant about quality and was happy to get my anime on vcds cos I don't have a dvd player. But now, it's no excuse. Dvd region 1 or 2 or nothing for me. I will not settle anything that's less, especially region 3. And especially anything released by Odex. A blog post by a guy who used to translate for the company got me more incensed. Guess it's time to formally take a stand and take sides.

Something else caught my eye when I browsed about srk's website. Looks like evo just ended. Checking out zach's website brought about an interesting link. Very technical stuff, most of which I've not encountered or seen before in all my years as a player. Downloading the videos now, that's why I'm still up (a 300++mb video does take time to download). And to think I've comtemplated quiting the scene a few times over the last 7 years or so. The crowd of players are just too rowdy for my liking, and they like to swear a lot over irc. Something I took issue with after I came back to the Lord. Hence I've decided to quit irc and just communicate over msn or sms when necessary. Sure, there are times when we do other stuff like movies and dinner or just chat, but it's kinda infrequent for now. At least from my perspective. Then again, most of them stay in the far west, and my estate has been labelled as 'india' (go figure).

There are some other things in mind, but I don't think I'll write them down here. For one, I'll just keep rambling on till dawn and not get any sleep (teacher's day and comex and club matters to tend to is my schedule for the day). Another is that some issues might be too sensitive to bring up for now. Let's just say, for now, Sispec's hidden meaning is something I've been doing for the last week+.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16

Stardust Memories

Been a while since I posted here. Guitar club matters are taking up quite a bit of time, now that both levels of classes have begun. Still got performance to handle, and not much time left. Just praying we can handle it. Think we'll have to recycle some old songs for now.

I'm now officially jobless, since my last day of work ended already on Friday. It's been nice, working there. Can't believe that 2 months just flew past like that. One colleague told me she felt that she's known me for much longer than that. Not the first time someone told me this. The first time was a certain person from 2 years back, whom I have no wish now to recall. Anyway, it's a nice last day. My colleagues treated me to lunch at the Hans on the first level, and got me a black polo tee as a farewell gift. They are all very nice, so I'm gonna miss working with them. Hope to be able to work with them again next time. Managed to get some chocolate for the male colleageues and yellow roses for the ladies, which I stayed back after work on thursday to finish, since I won't be able to head to cell due to last minute club matters. Maybe I should start a business out of this, might have a bit of prospects. Hmmm...

Wrote something in the past week, and it went through several rounds of editing before I was satisfied. Though now, I feel it'll have to be changed again, to remove some parts of it. Nevertheless, as a bit-time writer, I feel I have to put things up.

Alone on this path, I fly
Surrounded by the darkest skies
Guided by countless dim stars
A many and one specks, I leave behind
Seemingly endless trails
Like faded silver threads
Countless past, stardust memories

Still on I fly
Determined to forsake
The new feelings I'll make
A solitude alone
The paths to blaze
An isolation, neverending
- Stardust Memories, © Jonathan Chia, 2007

This was the feeling I got after tonight's MS. Felt that I should strike out the more depressing parts of this poem. Should not let the events of the past week hamper my walk forward with God, but instead, to learn from them. My mistake was not to listen and instead rely on my own judgement. That's something I really have to humble myself with now, and start to listen, trust and obey.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymm of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD." Psalm 40:1-3

Secret

Just went to catch this earlier in the evening at cineleisure. Quite nice, surprisingly. Like the piano sessions, and the playing's fantastic. Storyline's nice as well, with a twist in the end, which is a bit similiar to Kate and Leopold's. Ok, I shall not spoil it any more for those who have not caught the show. Do go and watch, it's romance in its simplicity. Thinking of going to catch it again soon.

Came to realise that Psalm 23 is a very powerful promise. Verse 1 already states that the Lord is our shepherd, and we shall not be in want. Verse 4 also states that He's always with us, even though we might be walking through death's valley, or the valley of the shadow of death. As a kid, when I read this (got a bookmark with the KJV version), I got really scared somehow, cos of the line valley of the shadow of death. Was scared of death then, remembered sulking and crying on my bed in my grandma's place when I was 6 years old cos I came to realise that I'll have to die one day. But now, my thoughts run a different path. Came to have a better understanding of the verse now. Verse 6 says that goodness and love will follow us every single day of our lives, and we'll dwell in God's house forever. Simply love this whole psalm. Thought I'll paste the lyrics for My Shepherd. Yes, it's still looping in my mp3 player, not to mention on my laptop :) It's amazingly simple, and yet, I can't seem to stop listening to it.

My shepherd provides for me
You make me lie down in green pastures
My shepherd restores my soul
You guide me along the way

Though I walk through death's valley
I will fear no evil
For You are with me
You comfort me
Though I walk through death's valley
I will fear no evil
Goodness and love will follow me
All of my life

My dear reader, trust in the Lord. If you have no one else to turn to, turn to God, and let His love flow into your life. For we are all sinners, and Christ came to earth to die that we are washed anew from our sins and have eternal life with God in His kingdom. The alternative is simply too gruesome to even describle; basically it's your worst nightmare I would think, multiplied many many times over. Do give your heart to the Lord, if you have not. For He says He's standing at the door and knocking, waiting for you to open the door to your heart and receive Him. Let Him change your life for the better, if you don't know Him. If you already know God, resolve to have a deeper walk with Him. And pray.

"Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. To him that overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne." Revelation 3:19-21

Gift of singlehood?

Can't seem to stop listening to My Shepherd for the last couple of days. Finally managed to "prepare" the song a week after I got the cd of the sermon. And I simply love it. It's very meaningful, drawing from Psalm 23, and it's touching as well, my favourite type of song. Coupled with Girly's voice, which is simply amazing. Have to find a way to figure out the chords, which might be a bit hard since it's played on a piano. And my ears aren't really that "tuned" as yet, though I've been playing the guitar for the better part of 9 years and have been a soundman-in-training for the last year and a half. I'm improving, I think, but there's still much of a ways to go.

As I posted earlier, I've been praying for a week over an issue in my life. It's actually about someone I like, in particular. Felt assured about it on Friday, but somehow it sidetracked over the last couple of days. Conversations over msn can be hot and cold (though it's much better when face to face I would think), which got me thinking whether or not I should even initiate. Spoke to Pastor Rachel again over this earlier in the evening at the end of the 7pm service, and she said no for my own sake. So for now, I'm confused over this, about where to go and what to do. Guess I should wait upon the Lord first, and hold on to His gift of singlehood, and use it to bless others, especially in church and ministry. Unless she hints otherwise, this will be what I intend to do. Do keep me in prayer, my dear reader. God bless.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Joy and Peace

Initially edited my previous post to reflect my thoughts as of 11.37pm last night, but for some reason or another, it didn't really come out. So decided to create a new post.

Day after day, I seek Your Will
The promises and portion You give
With each new sunrise
Teach me to submit, dear Lord
Your Will and not my own
To surrender and be guided
Your joy and peace filling me
By faith, each day I live

Went out initially yesterday to catch a movie, but decided just before I got to the mrt that I'll go have dinner and catch the fireworks outside the padang instead. Didn't really have anything to eat since I got up at 1 in the afternoon, so was pretty hungry when I got to Raffles City and had BK. Was still filling hungry when I first typed this out, but am feeling better at least. Went to Hans @ the national library after the fireworks to grab a drink and do some reading and reflection. Can only trust in God to guide and provide. If singlehood is His gift for me, then I'll gladly accept and submit to His Will for my life.

"All my longings lie open before you, O LORD; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O LORD my God." Psalm 38:9-10, 15

Feeling troubled

Was already feeling like this before I went to bed last night, or rather early this morning. Where my mum found me curled up in front of my laptop which was still switched on together with the lights of my room at 3+ in the morning. Needless to say, she made me get up and keep everything and sleep. This feeling of anxiety is still troubling me now, at 3pm, and am wondering if I did or said anything wrong. Listening to Hear my prayer now in repeat mode as I type this, a song I like to listen to in times like this. It's also the most played song in my mp3 player, little over 700 times I think. I can only trust that God will be merciful, and teach me gently, and lead me to where He wants me to be.

"For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings." Psalm 61:3-4

The heart of a servant

Another slow day. Nothing much to do in the afternoon. Did receive a note from Noelle that she's on half day leave when I came back to the office after my day of leave yesterday. Finally some stuff to do, nothing much, but enough to occupy me till after lunch. Afterwhich it's back to reading news updates on the net, as well as checking on the latest developments on the Odex saga. Looks like anime in Singapore won't be the same again, thanks to the local distributor's antics. Sigh, bound to happen sooner or later I guess. Just hope I won't get the letter. Didn't really download much, at least not the animes listed among the licensed ones listed on their website. There are other sources, but I'm contented for now. Still got lots of original dvds and vcds lying in my cupboard to watch. Though it's bit too much and I'm contemplating selling some of them to make space for other stuff. Space is becoming a premium in my room, heh. Running out of good space to put my stuff. I'm a closet karang guni :p

Kinda disappointed with some of the things that are happening in the club. I guess things are beyond my control at the moment, and I'll have to see how things go. More or less, the new excos have taken over and have confirmed their new positions. I'll be taking over the mantle from Eliz, which is kinda expected I guess. I did open every single position available (short of the events coordinator role) to the rest, but they wanted me to take it. I'm praying now that I'll have the heart of a servant. To serve the other members who are placed in my responsibility. As a leader now, there are a lot of sacrifices to be made, which I've started doing for the last couple of months with all the planning and coordinating for the members and excos. I just hope that I will not fail any of my members or my excos, and learn from my past mistakes over the last few years in the various roles I've taken up for the club. And am glad for the current batch of excos. I know it's not easy for them to commit to the club, and I've been grateful. Without them, think the club will really have to close down. Also am grateful for their inputs during discussions. I tend to err more on the cautious side, which can really hinder things at times, so it's good to see the view points of others before making any decision.

Spoke to Pastor Rachel on sunday after the 7pm sevice over an issue I had and was glad I did. Am grateful for her godly advice. Just hope everything turns out ok. Still praying for wisdom for it. Basically, she told me to pray about it for a week, then see how I feel then. Just want to continue to seek God's Will in this, and press on. I don't really understand certain things at the moment, but just continuing to trust God.

"Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." 1 Timothy 5:1-2

Gastric Flu

A number of things happened since I last penned down my thoughts here. Body broke down and got sick on Friday night. Bad case of gastric flu, with high fever, headache, diarrhoea, gastric, nausea, and bad stomach discomfort experienced, not to mention body aches and feeling weak. A humbling experience, I guess. Cos I've been pushing myself too much for some time now, and my body is suffering for it. Didn't really feel like eating much for lunch on Friday; just ate noodles I bought for breakfast and nothing at all for dinner, as I had no appetite. Was mulling over a personal issue then, and didn't have any mood to eat anything at all. Gastrics started to hit after I got to Marina Square to get a new battery for my mp3 player. Diarrhoea by then has also started to set in. Took some cold milo from Mac to help ease the gastric, but not only did it not help at all, it added to my diarrhoea. Decided to head home on 80 as I wanted a direct ride home and not have to change trains, so had to walk to Bugis from MS; already walked down to MS from Parklane, so can imagine the distance covered. Was already feeling cold before I boarded the bus, and the cold climate on the bus didn't help matters at all. Was shivering and did whatever I could to cover my hands. My mum took a look at me when I got home and almost immediately asked me to go see a doctor. Already feeling dazed by then, and getting wrecked by the fever, though I didn't realise I had one then. Collapsed on the sofa for a bit to rest before I managed to find the strength to get up and walk again. Have not felt like this for a long time now, not since after my appendix operation back in 2002 I would think. My last experience with gastric flu wasn't even this bad I think.

More or less collapsed on my bed after getting home from the doc. Popped by 7-11 to get some muffins to eat so that I could take my medication and then sleep after that. Didn't even go online that night. Caught up on some much needed rest, and about 10 or 11 hours to that extent. Only woke up for brunch when my dad bought some fish porridge for me. Stomach was still feeling unwell, and diarrhoea was still ongoing, so didn't really eat much. Went back to bed and only woke up again in the evening for MS. Felt better then already but still not 100%. Pastor Pacer and Girly sang a new song called My Shepherd; the format was in a way similiar to Hear My Cry from last year, but based on Psalm 23 this time around. Made me glad I went for the service. Was still dazed on sunday, yet still managed to find the strength to head back for 7pm and was subsequently asked to serve. Thank God we now have a full-time staff for soundlight, so it's less stress on everyone.

Reality check came back on monday, when some of us had to meet to discuss club stuff again. More or less taking on the mantle of president for the next year. In a way, I feel burdened with this responsibility cos I guess I'm a bit weary from all the work I've been doing for the club in the last few months, and I'm also juggling work and some other commitments and feel I can't give my 100%, at least for the moment. I really have to learn how to delegate effectively. A lot of things seem to be beyond my control: new members not checking their emails and not getting back to us whether they are joining the lessons or buying guitars from us, Joshua also needing some figures from us regarding the classes, expected difficulty in getting rooms for practice/lessons, positions of individual members in the excos not really fixed, and unavailability of some members to meet whenever there's a meeting. It can really bog a person down, with so much to consider both on a micro and macro level. I can only pray that I can find the strength to shoulder on. Have to commit every single step to the Lord.

Was reading this book called Quest for Love, by Elisabeth Elliot recently. It's basically a companion book to her book called Passion and Purity. Didn't know about it when I bought the book in May at some book fair in Suntec. But as I read through the first pages during my time in camp recently, I felt it's addressing some of the things I've been thinking about of courtship and romance, and a timely reminder. It's thought-provoking, as I mentioned to a good sister-in-Christ last night over the phone as I was talking to her and sharing some things and asking her view and advice on courtship. Now am trying to read it whenever I have time outside of work to do so. It shares the general view that there is a person intended for everyone, and shows the reader the trials each couple go through before they get married. Now I'm thinking of getting Passion and Purity, as well as another book called The Mark of a Man, by the same author. Then again, I have to think of the stack of books on my table waiting to be read, and where am I gonna find space to shelve everything. Some spring cleaning is in order, I guess. I'm already running out of space to put cds and dvds. Sigh. I need a proper library... And there's also a new "baby" waiting on the wings somewhere out there. Decided to try the 2nd hand market after talking to Kace about it yesterday; should enable me to save quite a bit and build up some reserves for the future.

"My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music." Psalm 57:7